4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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