One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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