Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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