So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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