I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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