Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
