no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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