I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
