Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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