I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
