how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
