apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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