I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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