im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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