I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
