I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
