Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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