So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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