What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize