there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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