You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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