Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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