people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
