Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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