There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
