I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
