Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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