Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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