i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
