my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
