Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
