so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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