Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
soo... how was my night?
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