dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
