My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
