You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
