do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize