Got a toothbrush?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
