i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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