I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
