i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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