Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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