Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
