I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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