I skipped work to stalk him.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
