I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
