So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
