everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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