I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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