can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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