Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
