My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
