my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
