i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
