Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
