Whod you bang
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
