there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
