just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
