I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
