I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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