Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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